Say No to Muffin Tops

Ladies – MUFFIN TOPS HANGING OVER

YOUR PANTS ARE NOT OK

First of all, what is a muffin top? Webster’s New Millennium Dictionary of English describes "muffin top" as a noun, with a definition of "flesh that falls over the waistband of a garment:". Other sources on the web (www.urbandictionary.com and www.doubletongued.org cite the origin of the term with Australian comediennes Kath and Kim, meaning when a woman wears a pair of tight jeans that makes her flab spill out over the waistband, like the top of a muffin sits over the edge of the paper case. Www.doubletongued.org indicates this word was nominated as a word of the year in 2006, but did not win. Most people have one of these, but not all people display theirs publicly.

In this article, it means that roll of fat around your stomach that cannot be confined by the garment currently covering you’re a--. They come in varying sizes and levels of disgust. Some are so disgusting, they would qualify the person for repeat felony status on the sentencing guidelines of your local criminal court, with a 20 to life sentence. They are illegal in all 50 states. Some can blind innocent on-lookers. However, there is no enforcement, as the funding for the Muffin Top Police was usurped on October 8, 2008. That is the same day Congress approved the "Treasury Capital Purchase Program", or as more affectionately called by the taxpayers, the day Congress gave $700MM of my money to the banks.

Next, how did this style come to existence? Research indicates it is re-emergence of the 60’s & 70’s style. It re-emerged in modern times to elongate the torso. If whatever you are doing creates another fold of skin on your body, don’t do it.

Consequently, who thought of this style? Not the people with the money to buy clothes. Because the people with the money to buy clothes, have muffin tops, that lap all over and can cause a stampede to change direction. The people with the money to buy clothes have a job, and hopefully sense enough, to not allow the muffin top to breathe air, not hidden by some kind of cloth or fabric. You can’t kill a muffin top by denying it fresh air, but a person can die from looking at too many muffin tops in one day that are not covered up.

I don’t want to sound snobby or arrogant. My rant is not about having a muffin top. I have a roll, that with the wrong pants, could easily be lapping out all over, disrupting traffic. My first complaint is about young women wearing pants that cause, an otherwise unnoticeable muffin top, to be lapping out all over, changing the gravitational pull. I mostly see these on waitresses and cashiers, of otherwise attractive women. This obsession with pants that are too small, bad fitting and lower than the equator, should be stopped at all costs. Is it so complicated to buy pants (and underwear, for that matter), that fit? How did this get so complicated? All that science and math we are forcing on these women, getting in the way of buying pants that fit?

Next, the muffin top routinely occurs on fat women wearing pants that are too small. GET BIGGER PANTS BECAUSE MUFFIN TOPS SHOULD NOT SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY. When you find a style of pants you like, it does not cost more to get the size that actually fits, unless I am unaware of this particular pricing scheme. If this pricing scheme is going on, call me. It sounds illegal.

Another thing I see is middle aged women wearing pants clearly made for a teenager. GROW UP AND GET PANTS THAT FIT. I didn’t say you had to agree with aging; you can fight it every step of the way. But don’t add insult to injury, by getting older and letting the muffin top dictate the impression (and the route taken) by passersby

Next, when you already have a uncontrolled muffin top with your pants, you shore up its stature by suturing your waist with a belt? When you have a rampant case of muffin top, what makes you think its going anywhere, and it needs a belt to stay put? How do get to that point in your brain, when you are deciding to put on that belt, that you decide "oh yes, this will look better"? Is it because you are already in that part of the flowchart of your brain, where muffin tops are fertile, and oxygen is not being generated by muffin top thoughts, which is impeding the ability of the brain to function at a higher level? Someone, help me understand.

So, what do to about muffin top disease? BUY PANTS THAT FIT. See no fancy courses with expensive tuition, and no secret decoders to buy. And..spread the word.

© Laurie TeWinkle, January 28, 2009.

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